WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has left jaws dropped and conspiracy theories swirling, President Joe Biden announced today that all federal aid intended for domestic use will be redirected to foreign countries. His rationale? Americans, he claims, are perfectly capable of handling their own issues. But that’s not the only bombshell he dropped; Biden also admitted to receiving kickbacks from foreign countries and revealed that a portion of the funds would be used to support his son Hunter’s cocaine habit, which has reportedly skyrocketed to a kilo a week following a surprising revelation.
“Listen up, folks,” Biden began, his tone oddly confident yet muddled with confusion. “We’ve got to start taking care of our friends across the pond. They need us. And frankly, we need them too, if you catch my drift.”
As jaws dropped across the nation, Biden doubled down on his assertion that America’s problems are best left to Americans to solve, leaving many wondering if they’d fallen into an alternate reality where logic took a backseat.
“I don’t see a penny of that money spent domestically,” Biden admitted with a smirk that bordered on a grimace. “But those foreign leaders? They sure know how to show their appreciation, if you know what I mean.”
The admission raised eyebrows and set tongues wagging, with critics quick to accuse the President of betraying his own people for personal gain. But Biden remained unfazed, insisting that he was simply doing what was best for the country.
“I’m not doing this for me,” Biden protested, though his protestations fell on skeptical ears. “I’m doing it for the greater good. And maybe a little something extra on the side. Hey, don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.”
But just when the nation thought things couldn’t get any stranger, Biden dropped another bombshell: a portion of the redirected funds would be used to support his son Hunter’s burgeoning cocaine habit, which has reportedly exploded to a kilo a week since a surprising turn of events at the White House.
“Yeah, Hunter’s been going through a rough patch lately,” Biden admitted, his tone oddly nonchalant given the gravity of the situation. “But hey, family comes first, right?”
The revelation left many wondering just how deep the rabbit hole went, with conspiracy theorists working overtime to connect the dots. But Biden remained defiant, insisting that he would stop at nothing to support his troubled son.
“I’d do anything for Hunter,” Biden declared, his voice tinged with paternal affection. “Even if it means sending federal aid halfway around the world to feed his habit. Hey, a father’s love knows no bounds.”
As the nation grapples with the fallout from Biden’s bombshell announcement, one thing is clear: politics has never been weirder, or more confusing. Whether Americans will ultimately benefit from the President’s bold new approach remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: it’s going to be one hell of a ride.
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